Secrets
by QueenRexKenobi124
Summary: Ahsoka has a secret of how to deal with the stress of the war and her Master...the blood helps take it all away...very dark, characters might be OCC.


**A/N: This is quite a dark story to start with; self-harm and suicidal thoughts are quite prominent. Sorry to those readers who are hoping for an update on my other story "Modelling", but this plot bunny jumped in my head and wouldn't go away. This is from Ahsoka's POV, with Anakin mentioned and Obi-Wan as the other important character. No romance, just family bonding, and H/C. Quite angsty!**

It was her secret. When it all got too much, when her friends (both Jedi and clone alike) died, when she saw the carnage and waste of war every day, when she couldn't take it anymore, she had a release. These terrible things left a large enough stain on her teenage mind as it was, but whenever someone mentioned her Master the darkness grew alarmingly large, dragging her secret fears to the forefront of her mind, blocking all positive emotions.

_He will never except you...he never even wanted a Padawan in the first place. He only took you in because Masters Yoda and Kenobi asked him to. He is the most powerful Jedi in the Temple, he could have any Padawan he liked, but he's stuck with a __**failure**__ like you...you are worthless... _

Seductive voices whispered in her ears, confirming her worst fears, her nightmares of letting the Chosen One down; of being rejected by the person she admired the most. They purred in her mind, reminding her of her failures, her bad decisions..._But there is a way out, you know what to do..._

Hurrying after her Master as he stormed down the Temple corridor, she couldn't stop the whispers, not with the memory of her most recent failure fresh in her mind. She had misjudged the amount of troops the Separatists had, and as a result a quarter of the 501st were dead, and Rex injured. He had reassured her it was not her fault before slipping into unconsciousness, but one look at the blood that drenched his body and the cold sweat on his pale forehead reminded her why Rexster was like that. Whispered conversations among clone troopers that abruptly broke of whenever she came close reinforced her conclusion. It was all her fault.

Reaching their quarters Anakin used the Force to slide the door open with such strength that that mechanism broke, and the door stayed stuck in the wall, spitting sparks. He turned to face her, his eyes steely, and the small flame of hope that he wouldn't blame her was extinguished within a heartbeat.

"You are to remain in these quarters until I say otherwise, and spend your time meditating or studying. You will not fail me like that again, do, you, understand?" Master Skywalker's voice was tight, his fists clenched by his sides as anger permeated his whole being. Enunciating the last words, he stepped forward with each exclamation, reinforcing his speech. "Stay in your room and meditate until the morning," said Anakin, pulling on his discarded cloak.

"Where are you going, Master," she asked, voice a whisper and eyes downcast. She couldn't bring herself to look at him and see the disgust in his eyes.

"Out," he said shortly. Before she knew it, her Force signature was the only one in the apartment. Walking into her room, she felt numb, and didn't even register when her foot caught on the corner of the bed and she fell to the floor. Pulling her knees into her chest and wrapping her arms around them, she sat in the silence, staring at the wall. The light outside dimmed and swapped into the glowing lights of night, casting her in an eerie red glow. Observing the light on her dusky orange skin, she thought about the colour of the light. Red. It reminded her of blood. The blood spilt because of her.

She started shaking and then couldn't stop, so she rocked back and forth, tears streaming silently down her face. _My fault._ Forcing herself to move, she walked woodenly to the set of drawers by her bed. Reaching inside, she pulled out the razor blade she had taken from her Master. No blood caked the blade for she cleaned it every time. With practised ease she drew it across her forearm, high enough that she missed the veins at her wrist. As the crimson blood welled at the sharp blade's touch, she felt the cloud lift off her slightly. With every drop that rolled down her arm she felt the oppressing darkness recede a little. A little, but it never left, not entirely. But the cutting made it more manageable.

After watching the ruby droplets trickle down her wrist, she grabbed the cloth the blade had been wrapped in and pressed it against the cut gently, just enough to prevent the blood from spilling to the floor. She was quickly startled out of her daze as she heard an unwelcome noise. There was the sound of someone banging into an item in the living room; the furniture within hidden by the dancing shadows.

"Blast!" muttered a cultured male voice.

Master Kenobi! He was probably the last person she wanted to see her like this, even more so than her own Master. Broken out of her lethargy, she fumbled to hide the knife and other evidence before he found her in here. Instead her clumsy movements led him to her faster. Blinking as Obi-Wan used the Force to turn on the lights; she looked at the floor rather than see the expression on the Master's face.

"Ahsoka?"

She gave no answer, but instead felt tears run down the tracks left by her previous tears. Soft footsteps moved towards her, until a pair of brown leather boots came into view. Obi-Wan slid down to his knees and wordlessly reached for her arm. He cleaned it with a cloth and bound it in bacta bandages that he had just pulled from a pouch on his belt. Ahsoka couldn't bear to look at him, waiting for the inevitable lecture, or even recommendation to a Soul Healer. But it didn't happen. They sat in companionable silence for a while, until Obi-Wan cleared his throat.

"There was once an un-chosen Jedi initiate whose thirteenth birthday was just weeks away. It was decided to send him to the Agricorps on Bandomeer, as it seemed the will of the Force that he not become a Padawan. The ship he was sent on was also transporting the legendary maverick Master Jinn, who the initiate had once looked at for a potential master."

Master Obi-Wan gave a wry smile as she gasped in recognition of the name, then continued with his story.

" However, Jinn had still not got over his previous Padawan's fall to the Dark Side, and because the initiate had anger issues, he refused to take him as a Padawan. The apprentice had lost nearly all hope of returning to the Jedi then, when Master Jinn's fallen Padawan, Xanatos, launched an attack on the planet. With the initiate's help, the Master prevented the world being decimated. Grateful for the initiate's help, Master Jinn took him as his Padawan. The new Padawan was extremely happy, but also very scared of letting his Master down. As time went by, Jinn seemed to regret his decision to train the initiate, and almost ignored him completely. Determined to please his Master, the Padawan started skipping meals and not sleeping to study and train with his lightsaber. But whatever he did it didn't seem to be enough. So he started to cut himself. It helped; helped take the pain away-at first. But he realised eventually, what he really needed was his Master's acceptance... and love. Even though he was terrified, he started talking to his Master, talking properly to him. It turned out that Jinn wasn't ignoring him out of spite, but in fact he was still hurting. After that, their relationship got better and they became one of the closest Master/Padawan teams in the Temple."

Obi-Wan rolled up his sleeve to expose a maze of crisscrossing scars all across his forearm. Placing his arm next to her's, she saw that the scars were the same.

"It doesn't help, Ahsoka," he said softly. "I'll speak to Anakin, but **you** need to make the difference."

"Yes, Master. And...Thank you." Even to her own ears her voice was hoarse. To her shame she started crying again, and couldn't control her sobs. Shuffling closer to her, Obi-Wan pulled her head down to rest on his shoulder and put an arm around her. Then, to her surprise, he started singing. The song was from Shilli, her home planet, and she fell asleep to sound of his melodious voice.

SWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSWSW

When Anakin stumbled home in the early hours, drunk and missing Padme, he was surprised to feel his former Master's presence. Following the source, he was shocked to see Obi-Wan asleep in a chair next to Ahsoka's bed. His Padawan was sleeping soundly, no doubt soothed by the Master's presence as he had been on the nights when Obi-Wan guarded his sleep against bad dreams.

**A/N: Yay, fluff at the end!** **Hope you enjoyed and reviews are appreciated but not compulsory, lol!**


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